Answered and Unanswered Prayers

The day we knew we weren't going to get the file of the little girl we had been waiting for Matthew misplaced his wedding ring.  We looked all over but couldn't find it.  I stopped to pray.  And shortly after I found the ring!
I wanted to share with Edmund because I want to teach him about God's love and care.  I told Edmund how we had been looking for Papa's ring and that Mama prayed to God to find it and He helped me find it!
Suddenly I couldn't talk very well.  I felt chocked up.  And I said, "You know Edmund, God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want.  But He loves us.  And sometimes I think He answers the small prayer requests so that we have faith to keep trusting Him and keep praying to Him in the bigger ones, or the ones that seem like they are unanswered."
Early that month Matthew had asked me,

"Why do you think God answers prayers about lost keys and such but sometimes says no to ones that we know He would want to say yes to?"

I didn't have an answer then.  But now maybe I do in part.

Last November I met a beautiful lady, Rachel.  She was battling an aggressive form of cancer.  I prayed for her and fought as a prayer warrior on her behalf.  Last month her earthly battle ended.  She now rests in Jesus.  She was one of those people who you could feel the peace and presence of Jesus in.  She leaves behind three little girls and a loving husband.  And my heart screams, "Why!?"  Why didn't God answer this prayer to heal her?

A while back we lost a white truck and brown trailer that Edmund loves and I was praying to find it and I did! When I gave it to Edmund I told him that I had prayed and Jesus helped me find them. We prayed together to thank Jesus.

We had again lost this pair for about a week, and he kept asking and asking for it so I told him I had looked but couldn't find it. His response? A smile and "Jesus." So we knelt and prayed. And then we looked. All over the house. As we did I kept praying. I know it is just a toy but it is a faith moment in the making. Then I moved something and heard what I suspected was trucks. And there they were! I brought them out to Edmund and said, "We prayed for Jesus to help find your white truck and brown trailer and do you think He helped us?" Edmund was still and looking at my cupped hands. I opened them and his smile lit the room! He ran toward me and took his toys and we gathered to pray and thank Jesus!
















Does the pain still hurt when the answer isn't what we prayed for?  Yes.  Very much yes.
But when I remember all the answered prayers to the small, "unimportant" things then I can remember that God is love and He is working for us, not against us.  These little answers are reminders that He is working powerfully for His children.

This Is Not What I Wanted To Write

From my Established in Grace blog post
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I've been praying a prayer since January. One that I knew that God could answer if He chose to.  So I prayed, "Lord, if you are willing bring her file to us."

I saw her picture back in January and have been waiting for her file to come to our agency.  Praying that other people ahead of us would be matched so that when her file came, that we would be able to review her file and be able to be matched with her.  I've called about once a month since January and last Monday when I called they had her file.  I send text messages and emails and messages out to our prayer warriors.  Asking them to pray for us to receive her file.

I was even thinking of this blog. And what I would write when God brought her file to us.  I could see the story He was writing and could see how His glory would be revealed in this.

On Thursday Matthew called to see how many people were in front of us to review her file.  (We were anxiously impatient!)  The lady he spoke to said that someone was reviewing her file very seriously and that still about half-a dozen more were in front of us.  Our hearts tried to absorb the shock but I wouldn't give up praying.  After all--God is the God of impossible things, isn't He?  Again, I reached out to our prayer warriors.  And they continued to rally around us and this precious little girl.

Friday, I got a voice message.  I couldn't believe I hadn't heard my phone.  I'd had it glued to me since Monday, praying for a call.  The kind lady's voicemail said that the little girl had been matched with a family.

It was a little like a void of time and sound and space.  Very briefly.  I took a deep breath and told Matthew, "They called.  She was matched."

We prayed, thanking God for blessing and guiding us on this process. Knowing and believing that He was sovereign and He gave us a measure of His peace in that moment that was very difficult.  It might seem impossible to you to love a little child you have never met and know virtually nothing about.  But she had grown in our hearts and we prayed for her dearly.

Again I reached out to our prayer warriors.   I told them that she had been matched.  You know who you are.  Your prayers and love and support are incredible.  I know that God's peace in that moment was because of you and your prayers.  The main peace remained but there were times I would just have that void again.  That space.  It wasn't really a question or doubt but just void.

In reaching out to my prayer warriors I had reached out to another adoptive mama.  And she wrote me these words:

"It is really hard. I understand that. Praying for more peace and absolute trust that before the foundations of the earth He knew who would be in your family...before we were matched with [our daughter] we were matched with a little boy.  We carried his picture around for several weeks before learning that we would not be able to proceed.  There was one night in particular that I couldn't sleep.  I was up in the night, praying for this boy.  It hurt and was so confusing when we lost his referral.  But I am confident God has purpose. I think [he] needed a prayer warrior that night and God chose me. It's a hard, long, twisting, turning, confusing road.  But God has called you to it and He is faithful. Love you friend."

When I read those words peace flooded my soul.  All my prayers for this little girl were for her.  I could love her and pray for her because God had placed her on our hearts.  I could pray for her health, emotions, etc. for months because God had shown her to us back in January.  And I could ask others to pray for her and we could all be her prayer warriors.  And now she has a family.  One that I pray will share with her the love of Jesus so that one day in heaven we can all gather together and I can tell her how I prayed for her and how God answered my prayers in a way I didn't know was the answer.

God didn't bring her to us without a purpose  We were to pray and be her prayer warriors until she could be matched with her forever family.  And we did pray, fervently, and eagerly.  And He was faithful.

And this void I have.  It is growing, I think.  It's the void for our daughter.

Little Girl, I don't know who you are, but God does and He is drawing us together in His perfect timing.  I am praying that it is soon.  Very soon.

Collecting Sea Shells for My Daughter

This is from my Established in Grace blog post

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The sand is warm beneath my feet as we walked toward the ocean’s edge. The water crashing and rushing up the shore toward us. I feel the happiness of my son, Edmund, as he laughs at the waves and ocean that he’s been to eager to see. I mention to my mother-in-law, “Next year maybe we will have two children!” I think of our daughter and achingly miss her, even though I’ve never met her or seen her face. So I decide to collect sea shells for her each day while on vacation. Special ones that make me think of her.

As I scan the beach, looking through the waves and buried in the sand I know why I am doing this. It isn’t just so that she can enjoy it once she is home (although that is true) it is because I want to do something for her to let her know that I miss her, love her, and am thinking and praying for her even before she comes to us. Jesus whispers to my heart, It’s like Me.

  I’m preparing a house for you. It’s not because I don’t have other things to do. It is because I am so in love with you, so filled with love for you, that I am achingly eager to do something to show you how much I love you, miss you, and can’t wait for you to be here with Me. And I’m floored. Jesus loves me like that? He’s antsy-eager to have me with Him, so much that He’s building me a house? He’s not just building it to give me somewhere to stay when I get to heaven, but He’s building it to show His love?

Adoption is truly making me hear God in a new way. Things, that maybe I always have known, but now are so much more real to my heart.

So now, as I collect sea shells for my little girl, I am reminded of Jesus’ love for me. For you. For all of us. He’s crazy about you. Can’t wait to return to bring you home so He’s building you a home in heaven, one He knows you will love, and as He builds each piece, His heart is pouring out in love at each step. A love so deep we can’t imagine it but when we see our homes He has built we will get a new glimpse of it.

Praying Through New York City

From my Established in Grace blog post
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This Monday was Matthew and my 8 year anniversary. Matthew loves architecture and so we decided to spend the day walking around and seeing specific tall buildings that have architecture significance (don't ask me what the significance was, he picked them and we walked to them).  

 Traffic was pretty horrible going in and out (on the way out it took us 2 hours to go about 2 miles). But thankfully we'd brought a book on prayer we had been reading and spent our time reading and praying. In conjunction with our prayer book we decided to pray for our daughter to come home soon as we walked through New York City.  We picked 8 specific buildings we wanted to see and knew we'd see others as well as we walked to those. We prayed specifically for our daughter to come home soon at each of the eight buildings. 

   I'm an introvert and I don't like to draw attention to myself but to pray for my daughter was important. So we'd stop by or in these buildings and pray. Right there with crowds bustling around us. We prayed and God listened. I know He did. I could feel that joy and presence. His happiness in our prayers.  

   Reading our prayer book and praying through New York City enriched our anniversary on a deep level. To pray so earnestly and lovingly together with Matthew for our daughter created a deeper bond between us. I cannot tell you the peace I felt because of praying all throughout our anniversary together. Sometimes I want to do something "for myself." But what I have found is that when I make a purposeful effort to center the activity around God or make Him an intricate part, that it becomes much more than I could have anticipated. Those memories are the ones I treasure the most. I already feel that this anniversary will be a special one to remember and I am eager to see what God has done and will do in answer to those prayers for our daughter. I challenge you to think of how to creatively include God in a special activity or just a daily activity. I think you will find that it will do something incredible. It may not be what you think "incredible" will be, but it might be peace or joy or that calm glow in your spirit that says, Emmanuel: God with us. 
 

Trust Without Borders

From my Established in Grace blog post
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The song is nine minutes long. The longest part of the song says these words over and over and over again.

Six times:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
 And my faith will be made stronger
 In the presence of my Savior

This describes what I have been learning through our adoption. This is a journey, and I know that I am only at the beginning of this journey, but it is one that constantly calling on me to trust God without borders.

These lyrics really speak to my heart. Trust is hard. And to trust without borders is…unfathomable. I have trust issues. I guard my heart and who I am because my trust has been broken more times than I wanted and I created a border to keep myself from being hurt. But God is asking me to trust without borders.

 

Adoption is painful on many levels — levels I am not even aware of yet. But God is asking me to trust without borders. To walk upon the waters wherever He would call me. The crazy thing about trusting without borders is that amazing, miraculous, beautiful things can happen. Like adoption. Like_________ You fill in the blank. Adoption is messy and painful and beautiful beyond words. I imagine that there are things in your life that are scary and terrifying and yet beautiful and breathtaking. Is God calling you to walk upon the waters wherever He may call you?

In this walking on water, this deep ocean of trust and fear my faith is being made strong in the presence of my Savior. I can feel my faith being stretched and grown. It isn’t painless to be certain, but what growth is painless? Yet, I want to have faith that walks on water as I am in the presence of Jesus. I don’t know what God is calling you to do as He calls you to trust Him without borders but it doesn’t mean that it will be easy but He does promise His presence.

The song, Oceans by Hillsong United ends this way:

My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

May your soul rest in Jesus’ embrace. You are His and He is yours. Trust without borders and go wherever He may lead you. Your faith will be made stronger in the presence of the One who loves you and will lead you to walk upon the waters.

I am resting in Jesus’ embrace through our adoption. I pray you will rest in His embrace in whatever He made lead you to.

Relentless Warrior

From my blog on Established in Grace
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I was praying for my daughter and saw the verse Matthew 15:28 on my list of verses to pray for her.  So I turned to it and read,

Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted."  And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

Then I went back and re-read the story, verses 21-28 and I felt as if Jesus was opening my eyes anew to something I already understood and had read many many times.

This Canaanite woman is asking for something that Jesus will grant her.  He wants to grant her the request she is making but He delays her request.  Making her ask again and again.

Did He deny her request to test her faith?  To grow her?  Was it for the disciples?  Was it to grow them?  Whatever the reason Jesus denies and puts her off.  But she keeps asking.  It's her child, her daughter.  She won't give up even if it means to humble herself over and over again and relentlessly ask.

I imagine Jesus smiling when He answers her, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted!"  Could she feel His heart of love even though it seemed He was denying her request to heal her daughter?

I don't pretend to know the ways of God, or how prayer works, but as I read this story and prayed for my daughter I felt God move on my heart.

Keep praying.  The answer might feel like a "no" but keep asking.  Don't give up.  Pray relentlessly even in the face of obstacles and doubt. I have given you this burden of prayer, this love to ache and pray for her, don't stop praying.  

Being a warrior doesn't mean that things come easily.  It means that we fight for them.  As Christians we fight spiritual battles. We fight in prayer.  Praying for our daughter is a joy and sorrow. Some of you understand that kind of prayer.  Some days I feel parched and empty.  Other days full of hope and expectation.  But even on the days where I feel weak to pray I won't give up.  I clutch Jesus' feet and pray our daughter.

Have you felt impressed to pray for someone or something?  Have you felt you're praying on repeat without any movement?  Don't give up.  I can't explain why there is this silence or seeming delay but I do know that there is a loving God who wants to give you all good things.  Keep praying.  Ask for clarity in your prayers and search the Bible, but don't give up praying.  You never know when or how He will answer.

Silent and Unknown Warrior

From my blog post on Established in Grace
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Over Mother's Day weekend I thought about her.

Not my daughter but her birth mother.  My heart skitters and slides over that messy and beautifully painful truth.

I don't have our girl home yet. I don't have her picture or her beautiful Chinese name to look at and memorize, but already the magnitude, tragedy, depth, and privilege begin to expand and grow in my soul.

And this woman that I don't know is a warrior.  I don't know her story and I cannot claim any knowledge about her and our shared daughter.  But this woman chose to grow our daughter in her womb.  And give her life.  It is not an easy choice.  But she did it.  This warrior woman gave our daughter life and gave her to us.

In response to this warrior woman I will be a warrior to fight for her spiritual life.

So I fight in prayer for our daughter's birth parents. Praying for God to work in their hearts and lives and have them accept Jesus as their personal Savior, so that one day we can all be together in heaven and love on our girl as a family.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."  2 Peter 3:9 (emphasis mine)

Prayers are often silent and unknown except to the person who is praying.  But prayer is powerful.  Here at Established in Grace we want to pray for you. To be silent warrior women for you as we pray for the needs of your heart.  We may not know you personally but we can join together in prayer to the One who knows and loves you best.

I also invite you to become the unknown and silent warriors for someone.  Who are you fighting for?  Who do you need to be wrestling in prayer for?  Be a warrior and fight for the eternal lives of those God is placing upon your heart.

I think of Jacob's reply after wrestling with God,

"I will not let you go unless you bless me." Genesis 32:26

Don't give up. Don't let go of God as you fight for those He has laid on your heart.  And one day I look forward to being gathered together in heaven and seeing and hearing all the ways God has answered our prayers.