Our daughter...

I (Beth-Anne) was texting with my cousin Brianna the early afternoon of my birthday, February 20--Monday. 

Brianna: Happpppy birthday!!!! .... I hope it's been fabulous!
Beth-Anne: So far it has been great! Praying for a phone call from CCAI today
Brianna: Yes! :)

But honestly, I didn't believe it. Of course I wanted them to call. But I always want CCAI to call.  Every day.

At 4:30 pm we were waiting for my mom to come so we could have dinner to celebrate my birthday when my phone rang.  It said: Denver, CO.  And I hand a moment of disbelief.  Could this be CCAI?

So I grabbed the phone and headed into Yin's bedroom. 

Shanley: Hello, is this Beth-Anne? This is Shanley from CCAI.
Me: Yes. Hello.
Shanley: I was just calling to follow up on those files you asked about from the other agency.

At this point I felt that let-down that comes when you are hopeful and it is too good to be true. Of course, they weren't calling about a match on my birthday.

Shanley and I talked for a few minutes where I explained that nothing had happened with any of the other files.

Shanley: So you aren't pursuing any of those files?
Me: No.
Shanley: Well in that case... (She paused and my heart lifted in hope!) We have the file of a little girl.
Me: Really? (I felt in my voice the disbelief and joy and tears.)
Shanley: Yes!

Shanley then went on to describe this beautiful little girl who was 11 months old and described her special needs and asked if we would like to look at her file. 

I said yes!  Then I went out to where Matthew was and said, "Matthew!  Matthew!"  "What?" he said.  "They called! We have a girl!" 

I don't remember all the words we said next but we jumped and laughed and started refreshing my email every second for the email to come through. 

Then my mom arrived and when she got to the door we jerked the door open and both screamed, "They called!!"  Almost immediately she said, "Really?!?!"  and then we all screamed and jumped together--then Edmund started to cry because we scared him, so we stopped.

Then we all went to the phone and refreshed and refreshed.  Then.  There it was.  I passed all the documents and went straight to the pictures. 

There she was.  Big expressive eyes.  Tiny perfect mouth.  Our daughter.  I was in shock, in love, in awe of God.  Then we watched the one video they had of her and I broke down weeping.  I wept for all that this moment was.  For who God has been in this whole process: Emmanuel--God with us.  Even though I couldn't always see the process, He was with us and I could feel that.  I knew that.  And in this moment, this extraordinary call on my birthday there He was: Emmanuel. 

"She's beautiful."  I don't know who said it first.  Maybe my mama?  But we could all see it.  She was ours. 

As I knelt next to Edmund to show him sister I looked at one of the pictures more closely, seeing the background.  I gasped.  "She's...she's...." I couldn't speak, and started crying again. 

 What?! Both Mama and Matthew wanted to know.

But I couldn't speak it out because it was another prayer we had prayed answered.  I could see in the picture our daughter was at Maria's Big House of Hope--the home that Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife Mary Beth Chapman built to honor their daughter Maria.  This amazing organization is one of the very best places for a child to be. The rooms are clean, beautiful, spacious, and the staff is great. 

From the very beginning of the adoption process I had hoped that we would get a little girl who had been at Maria's.  That's how we even found our adoption agency, we wanted the one that worked with Maria's Big House of Hope.  Again, amazing.  Emmanuel.  God with us.

I had a feeling that I couldn't shake for a while that our daughter would be younger than I imagined (we had 0-24 months on our medical checklist) and then there she was.  Not even one year old.  She turns one next week.  This precious girl of our heart. 

A year ago today 2/24/16 we were logged into the system (LID), which allowed us to adopt from China.  Today 2/24/17 we got our Letter of Acceptance (LOA) from China saying that they accept us as our daughter's adoptive parents.

There is more to tell, but for now we will leave you with this.

God has been with us.  Emmanuel. 

So her first name is Emma.  Short for Emmanuel: God with us.

Best birthday ever. (Pink bunny for our daughter, Emma.)

The Miracle of Standing Together. The Miracle of You

Last night I was at our small group.  This small connection group is a gift.  We study the word of God and connect to God and each other. 

We studied 2 Chronicles 20 last night.  And our leader brought out that often we look at the end result and call that the miracle. And yes, for sure and certain it is a miracle.  But there are two other miracles before the army being destroyed that allowed the miracle of the destroyed army to happen.

1) Jehoshaphat was a leader who stopped everything and prayed and called the people together to fast and pray.

"Alarmed, Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the Lord, and he proclaimed a fast for all Judah."

2) The people of Judah actually stop and pray.  All the people of Judah.

"The people of Judah came together to seek help from the Lord; indeed, they came from every town in Judah to seek him....All the men of Judah, with their wives and children and little ones, stood there before the Lord."

And suddenly I almost couldn't speak. 

Because of YOU. 

I feel like Jehoshaphat.  We are completely powerless to do anything ourselves to bring our daughter home.  And so we have called upon God and called upon others to pray.  Pray for a miracle.

And the miracle is happening.  YOU are this miracle. 

I read the word, "All the men of Judah, with their wives and children and little ones, stood there before the Lord."  And I thought about YOU.  The way you text me verses.  Facebook message us your prayer rooms and Bible verses.  The way your children pray for our daughter.   Men, women, children, and little ones are all praying.

I suddenly could "see" all of you in my heart's mind.  Standing praying for us and I was moved beyond measure. 

I grabbed a pen and wrote you in my Bible.  I marked that verse and saw YOU there.  Saw YOU standing there before the Lord persistently, passionately praying for our little girl--and for her to come home to us.

YOU are the miracle that proceeds the miracle of our little girl coming home. 

But make no mistake YOU are a miracle. 

What We Are Praying For

Every evening Matthew and I pray for our daughter.  We still have not been matched.  The name "Yín" is our nickname for her.  You can read about that here.

I felt like I should share our prayer list here.  I can only imagine and be thankful for all the beautiful prayers you all are praying on our behalf.  And if you have any special things you are praying for her I would love to know about them. 

Do you have special verses you pray for her?  I'd love to write them down. 

Here are our areas of specific prayer and verses that go with them:

• Excellent medical care
• Loving and competent caregivers
• Protection and safety

We pray these verses, claiming especially that as God is her Father He will fight for her care.
Psalm 10:14, Proverbs 23:10, Psalm 146:8-9, Hosea 14:3, Isaiah 9:6, Psalm 25:10, 2 Corinthians 6:18, Deuteronomy 1:33, Psalm 68:19

• Yín's birth parents decision to accept and follow Christ

2 Peter 3:9, John 10:16, Revelation 3:20-21

• For Yín to come home very soon

John 14:13-14, 18, John 15:16, John 16:23-24, Isaiah 37:21, Psalm 68:5-6, James 5:13-18, Romans 8:32, Psalm 20:4-5, Psalm 21:2, Romans 8:26, Matthew 15:28, Luke 18:1, Mark 9:24, Matthew 9:29, Matthew 12:20, Isaiah 43:5, Hebrews 11:1, 6, Luke 18:27, Luke 18:34-43, Matthew 8:2-3

• For Yín to feel God's care and comfort more tangibly than even a human presence

Isaiah 44:24, 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 27:14, Isaiah 40:11, Isaiah 43:1, Isaiah 49:15-16, Isaiah 49:1, Isaiah 45:3, Isaiah 40:29, Isaiah 46:3-4, John 14:16

• God will prepare us for each other, for attachment and bonding

1 Chronicles 4:10, Joel 2:25, James 1:27, Philippians 4:6, 1 Thessalonians 5:17, Isaiah 49:22, Ephesians 6:18

• God to bless and guide the whole adoption process (paperwork, fundraising, etc.)

1 Samuel 1:27, 2 Chronicles 30:27, Matthew 25:35-36, Psalm 37:5, 2 Timothy 3:16, Luke 18:7-8, Genesis 32:26, Luke 1:37

Empty Room

Sunday, November 13 was Orphan Sunday.

The month of November is adoption awareness month.

I told Matthew that I wanted to do something on Orphan Sunday for our girl.  He said we should set up her room.  Her room is currently the guest room.  So on Sunday we cleaned it out and began to set it up.

But as I looked at it I felt like it wasn't the right room.  So just this week we switched Edmund's room and her room.  So now our baby girl will have Edmund's old room and he has the former guestroom.

I love their rooms.  They are perfect.

Except one thing.  Hers is still a guestroom.  It is empty of it's truest purpose.  We are waiting and praying for her.  Praying we get the call any day now that we have been matched.

Thank you for continuing to pray.  Just this week two of my dear friends texted me verses are prayers for our little girl.

I can't wait to have her home.

Beautiful Ruins

 

Recently my friend Tima  and I were exploring some ruins.  We were marveling and awed by the beauty that they were.  Surrounded by the lush green around them and the history they held, it was captivating.

 

 

The ruins weren’t “useful” per say and they weren’t whole, but they held beauty and history all there own.  I think we would have been happy to just stay there the whole time.

I often judge myself by my usefulness.  Can I do such and such well, is this helpful to anyone else.  I evaluate how to spend my time and efforts.  I want to prove my value.  Do you ever find yourself doing this kind of thing?

The world of adoption is messy.  More messy than I ever comprehended in the beginning.  When families look at adoption it really isn’t pretty.  It isn’t a whole child you will adopt.  You will adopt a fragmented and broken child.  But does that make them any less beautiful?

 

At this ruins we had to be careful of where we stepped to preserve the building and keep ourselves safe as well.  But we loved every second there.

God has adopted each one of us.  We are broken, fragmented, jagged people.  We resist His love, even though He has given everything to prove His love.  We hurl insults back at Him and ignore His expressions of love and patience.  Yet, when God looks at us do you think He views us as ruins without worth?  No, I think He loves us.  I think He sees us as beautiful ruins.  And He dwells with us.  Then suddenly we aren’t just ruins, we are a historical landmark of what was and what will be.

Do you feel like you are just a pile of ruins?  Useless and broken?  That’s not how God sees you.

Are you forging into a journey that looks like ruins?  Whether the broken heart of a child or something else?  God doesn’t see it as beyond repair.

He sees beautiful ruins and He won’t give up on you or what He has called you.

Preparing a Place

 

Jesus said to His disciples, “In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.” (John 14:2-3)

Today as I read those words I understand it anew.  The preparation and how it is proof of the return.  Proof of His coming to bring us to where He is.

 

You see, a year ago we had our home study for our adoption.  A home study is a study that is done through multiple interviews about the people and their pasts as well as a physical inspection of the house they live in.  This is to see if they are a safe place for a child as well as have the means available to provide for the new child.

Last year we had just moved into our house and it was a wreck as we had to gut the whole basement and tear out parts of the upstairs.  It was a mess.  And yet we were determined to have it ready for the home study.  Matthew and I worked after he got home until late in the nights working on projects. Family and friends came over and helped us.  We were preparing for our daughter.

 

One of the requirements was that we have a room for our daughter.  And while it is currently serving as our guestroom it is her room.  I have all her things in there.  Little gifts from loved ones.  Clothes I can’t help buying.  A pink stuffed rabbit I purchased many, many years ago for my unknown daughter. A picture from an orphanage in China– the hand-prints, footprints, and wheelchair marks of children waiting for their homes.  Little yellow baby shoes.  It is her room.

 

The preparation of the house, and of preparing her a room is proof of our love for her.  Proof that when the time is right we will go and bring her into our arms and family–that where she is, we will also be.  She won’t be alone again.

My preparation for our daughter makes me hear Jesus’ words in my heart.  Do you hear them in yours?

He says, “I have worked with love and tenderness on your own special place.  Each flower I planted, and wall I crafted was done with you in mind.  Each labor of love was done so that when you come home with Me, you will be able to see that all along I was loving you and waiting for the perfect time to bring you home with me.  You will never be alone again.”

Jesus’ love amazes me.  It makes my heart stutter with unbelief. Yet, as surely as I am preparing a room for our daughter so Jesus is preparing a room for me.  And for you.

Hope Hurts

Matthew and I were talking in the car about my aching heart and waiting to be matched in our adoption, and I said, “I don’t know if I should just mentally prepare that it will be another year, or keep hoping.  Hoping is painful.”

Since that little conversation I have felt God showing me hope in the scriptures.  So I decided to dig deeper.  I did a study on the word hope, and I focused on the Old Testament.

I am addicted to this word and the meanings of it.  For all it represents and for how I am hoping onto hope—how I am bearing hope.

Here is what I found.

Hope is mainly translated in these ways in the Old Testament:

• ·         Expectation
• ·         Refuge
• ·         Trust
• ·         Wait
• ·         Be patient
• ·         Something waited for
• ·         To writhe in pain or fear

That last one especially made my eyes grow big in wonder.  God knows.

Hope is complicated.

It is full of expectation.  The kind that feels like sparkling water inside my chest.  Hope is a refuge when I can’t figure things out.  I hide in the refuge of hope because it cradles my heart’s dreams.

Hope is trust.  Trust in a God I cannot see and the promises I cannot see fulfilled.  Hope is to wait. Oh, the agony of this wait. Yet, if there were no wait, there would be no reason to hope because it would be already here.  So hope is truly something waited for.

But hope is not without pain or fear.  Indeed, hope is to writhe in pain or fear.  It is to tremble and travail.  This wait leaves us wounded and grieved.  Shaken.  Yet in the same painful hope we tarry, stay, waiting, trusting.  Because hope is all these things.  In this pain and fear we learn patience—which comes from this experience we are in—which leads back to hope.

And despite it all, hope does NOT disappoint us because God has pour out His love in our hearts by the Holy Spirit Whom He has given us (Romans 5:1-5). 

And one day, this hope of writing pain and fear will be hope that dances.

The depth of the word HOPE is assuring.  All these feelings I feel with hope are real and validated here.  Hope is complicated.  And hope does hurt

But I hold on. 

Because hope does not disappoint. 

May you too, hold on to hope even though there is pain in this waiting and expectation.  Do not give up.  Trust and wait in the refuge of God and know that your patience is not in vain.  God is pouring His love into your heart through the Holy Spirit during waiting and hoping…and remember God has said that hope does not disappoint.  Hold on to hope.  Hold on to God.