This Is Not What I Wanted To Write

From my Established in Grace blog post
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I've been praying a prayer since January. One that I knew that God could answer if He chose to.  So I prayed, "Lord, if you are willing bring her file to us."

I saw her picture back in January and have been waiting for her file to come to our agency.  Praying that other people ahead of us would be matched so that when her file came, that we would be able to review her file and be able to be matched with her.  I've called about once a month since January and last Monday when I called they had her file.  I send text messages and emails and messages out to our prayer warriors.  Asking them to pray for us to receive her file.

I was even thinking of this blog. And what I would write when God brought her file to us.  I could see the story He was writing and could see how His glory would be revealed in this.

On Thursday Matthew called to see how many people were in front of us to review her file.  (We were anxiously impatient!)  The lady he spoke to said that someone was reviewing her file very seriously and that still about half-a dozen more were in front of us.  Our hearts tried to absorb the shock but I wouldn't give up praying.  After all--God is the God of impossible things, isn't He?  Again, I reached out to our prayer warriors.  And they continued to rally around us and this precious little girl.

Friday, I got a voice message.  I couldn't believe I hadn't heard my phone.  I'd had it glued to me since Monday, praying for a call.  The kind lady's voicemail said that the little girl had been matched with a family.

It was a little like a void of time and sound and space.  Very briefly.  I took a deep breath and told Matthew, "They called.  She was matched."

We prayed, thanking God for blessing and guiding us on this process. Knowing and believing that He was sovereign and He gave us a measure of His peace in that moment that was very difficult.  It might seem impossible to you to love a little child you have never met and know virtually nothing about.  But she had grown in our hearts and we prayed for her dearly.

Again I reached out to our prayer warriors.   I told them that she had been matched.  You know who you are.  Your prayers and love and support are incredible.  I know that God's peace in that moment was because of you and your prayers.  The main peace remained but there were times I would just have that void again.  That space.  It wasn't really a question or doubt but just void.

In reaching out to my prayer warriors I had reached out to another adoptive mama.  And she wrote me these words:

"It is really hard. I understand that. Praying for more peace and absolute trust that before the foundations of the earth He knew who would be in your family...before we were matched with [our daughter] we were matched with a little boy.  We carried his picture around for several weeks before learning that we would not be able to proceed.  There was one night in particular that I couldn't sleep.  I was up in the night, praying for this boy.  It hurt and was so confusing when we lost his referral.  But I am confident God has purpose. I think [he] needed a prayer warrior that night and God chose me. It's a hard, long, twisting, turning, confusing road.  But God has called you to it and He is faithful. Love you friend."

When I read those words peace flooded my soul.  All my prayers for this little girl were for her.  I could love her and pray for her because God had placed her on our hearts.  I could pray for her health, emotions, etc. for months because God had shown her to us back in January.  And I could ask others to pray for her and we could all be her prayer warriors.  And now she has a family.  One that I pray will share with her the love of Jesus so that one day in heaven we can all gather together and I can tell her how I prayed for her and how God answered my prayers in a way I didn't know was the answer.

God didn't bring her to us without a purpose  We were to pray and be her prayer warriors until she could be matched with her forever family.  And we did pray, fervently, and eagerly.  And He was faithful.

And this void I have.  It is growing, I think.  It's the void for our daughter.

Little Girl, I don't know who you are, but God does and He is drawing us together in His perfect timing.  I am praying that it is soon.  Very soon.

Collecting Sea Shells for My Daughter

This is from my Established in Grace blog post

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The sand is warm beneath my feet as we walked toward the ocean’s edge. The water crashing and rushing up the shore toward us. I feel the happiness of my son, Edmund, as he laughs at the waves and ocean that he’s been to eager to see. I mention to my mother-in-law, “Next year maybe we will have two children!” I think of our daughter and achingly miss her, even though I’ve never met her or seen her face. So I decide to collect sea shells for her each day while on vacation. Special ones that make me think of her.

As I scan the beach, looking through the waves and buried in the sand I know why I am doing this. It isn’t just so that she can enjoy it once she is home (although that is true) it is because I want to do something for her to let her know that I miss her, love her, and am thinking and praying for her even before she comes to us. Jesus whispers to my heart, It’s like Me.

  I’m preparing a house for you. It’s not because I don’t have other things to do. It is because I am so in love with you, so filled with love for you, that I am achingly eager to do something to show you how much I love you, miss you, and can’t wait for you to be here with Me. And I’m floored. Jesus loves me like that? He’s antsy-eager to have me with Him, so much that He’s building me a house? He’s not just building it to give me somewhere to stay when I get to heaven, but He’s building it to show His love?

Adoption is truly making me hear God in a new way. Things, that maybe I always have known, but now are so much more real to my heart.

So now, as I collect sea shells for my little girl, I am reminded of Jesus’ love for me. For you. For all of us. He’s crazy about you. Can’t wait to return to bring you home so He’s building you a home in heaven, one He knows you will love, and as He builds each piece, His heart is pouring out in love at each step. A love so deep we can’t imagine it but when we see our homes He has built we will get a new glimpse of it.