Learning to Cry

From my Established in Grace blog post
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Learning to Cry

I want to rush over to China and scoop up my daughter.  Cuddle her to my chest the way I do with my son and hold her, hold her, hold her until she begins to understand that when she cries her needs will be met.  To whisper love to her and show it to her on a daily basis. Who would think that I might have to re-train my daughter that when she cries she will be met with love?

In my previous post I shared about Silent Orphanages.  In short it is where orphanages are silent, even when full of babies because they have learned that no matter how long they cry that their needs will not be met.  So they stop crying out loud.  The needs are still there but there is silence. Awful silence.

I had asked some adoptive parents to share on experiencing silent orphanages and these three responses made me realize that it wasn't just getting my daughter into our home and being there to love her.  I was going to have to re-train her ability to reach out when she is in need....

A few parents shared this:

• I don't recall it was quiet. But I can tell you my toddler was trained & terrified to not call out or cry at night. It took a couple of years before I could persuade her it was okay to get up to potty or holler out for me. It was deeply ingrained in her to keep quiet at night. I get that one toddler crying would wake everybody up & they'd all be crying, but it still makes me horribly sad the toddlers have to go through this hell. This was probably one of the biggest behaviors I deal with.
• It's silent in the rooms because their needs are not met, especially on demand. They know their needs will not be met so they stop asking. We had to teach two (out of 4 adoptions) of our kids to cry. To feel emotions. To understand that it hurts when you ...pinch a finger, skin a knee, etc. Those two still have extremely high pain tolerance levels but they have learned appropriate responses now.
• There is often a big difference between the baby rooms and the preschoolers. With a 10:1 ratio of children to caregiver, a preschooler has more likelihood of getting some attention and will get interaction from his peers as well. The babies...just what you have read here. If they survive to get out of the baby room they can learn to interact, but many still don't learn to seek comfort.

My heart just breaks.  Because the truth is that even though I will know that she is in a safe place, she will not.  And even though I know that Matthew and I will reach out and comfort her and be happy to comfort her, she does will not.  She will remain silent.  She will have to learn to cry.

Children tend to either be silent or crying on the initial "gotcha day" but afterwards some parents will share that after being home for a while then it seems that the child will regress and start to cry and be clingy. In our adoption training that we had to go through they shared that when a child begins to cry with you, that is when you know you have begun to create a connection and that attachment can form.

As a mama it is hard when Edmund cries when he is hurt or sick, but I am so glad that he comes running to me to be cuddled and loved.

Right now I can't be there for my little girl.  But I know that God is.

And God is here for you too.  Have you been bottling up your emotions?  Have you stopped crying out because you have tried and there has been no response?

Isaiah 49:14-16 says:

But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me,
And my Lord has forgotten me.”
 “Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Surely they may forget,
Yet I will not forget you.
 See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;
Your walls are continually before Me.

These verses strike my heart as a mother.  Could I forget my son?  Never. Impossible. But even if that were possible God could not forget you.  He is with you.  He has inscribed you in the palm of His hands.  Permanently linking Himself to you.  Your needs and wants are continually before God.  You might feel forsaken and forgotten but you are not. 

My daughter is not forsaken and forgotten.  Though she may be in silence now I am praying that very soon she will know the safety of a place where she can learn to cry and know she will be met with love.

You are not forsake or forgotten.  Through you may be in silence now I am praying that you will feel God's love.  You will open God's Word and read of His love for you that surpasses any you have ever known.  I pray that you will know the safety of God's arms around you, holding you as you cry.  You are continually before Him and loved beyond comprehension.

Romans 8:32, "He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?"

Silent Orphanages

From my Established in Grace blog post.
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This is a heavy post for me.  It is heavy because of the reality of it.  Because of the silent suffering that is going on for more children than we care to admit.  And this is just one area of suffering for children.  There are so many other areas it makes me sick.  Physically sick and emotionally drained.

And it can all seem so far away and so far removed.  Until it is your child.  Your daughter.  Our little girl.

Silence comes to a baby no by natural means.  Babies cry.  They cry to express their needs.  And a loving adult hears those cries and comes to them.  In an orphanage this is not always the case. Babies are overwhelmingly outnumbering their caregivers. So the children cry. Because that's what babies do.  But eventually they learn that when they cry, no one will meet their needs.  So they stop crying.  There is silence.  Roaring, deafening silence.

I asked some of the members of an adoption group I am a part of to give me some first hand experiences of this.  Here is some of what they shared:

• I have walked into one in Brazil and if I hadn't seen the babies all laying in cribs I would have assumed it was an empty room of cribs. I had to look at each baby several times to believe that most weren't even asleep.
• Our son's orphanage was quiet. I told my husband the silence in that room was the loudest sound I've ever heard.
• It is so hard to walk into an orphanage where there are hundreds of children and hear NOTHING!
• I have a video from my daughters orphanage...they showed the room, and you never would have thought there were babies in the cribs until they zoomed in.
• When we visited our second daughter's orphanage you could hear a pin drop. In the first room we went into it was silent except for the cries of a little boy who had just been abandoned and admitted to the [orphanage] who had yet to learn that no one would respond to his cries...I about lost it.

Picture from: www.growingyourbaby.com/2014/02/03/abandoned-babies-of-china-from-girls-to-sick-and-disabled/

• We adopted from Russia and the loudest sound I've I ever heard is the clock tick for so, so long while waiting to meet our daughter. There were 100 babies ages 0-3 in he orphanage and all I heard was the clock tick and an occasional pot and pan bang around from those preparing food.
• All the videos we got of our daughter it was completely silent in there. None of them talking or crying. The worst sound I've ever heard.
• This is my experience five times over. There was even minimal noise from the preschoolers (unprompted noise, I mean). ...In the orphanages it was almost totally silent.
• Only heard one baby cry while I was visiting my son's orphanage. That baby had been there less than a week. The others... some had ants crawling through their blankets (my son came covered in ant bites) and didn't make a peep. Saw one baby treated very roughly and didn't make a peep either. I could have so much more to say...
• I went to China this past summer and saw things in the "good" orphanages that I wish I could un-see. It was one of the most heart changing experiences of my life. Knowing those particular children are still there, in the exact same positions, make me question the actual future of humanity.

Not all reports were bad. Two parents shared that they saw lively and humane orphanages with nannies who would hold the baby when they were crying.  But this is the exception, sadly, not the norm.

The more I read and asked questions about silent orphanages the more my heart cried out against it.  Each child is precious. Deserving of love. I want to fight this silence with love.  Love that teaches us each child that when they cry they will be heard.  In the book Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis she shares this:

“The truth is that the 143 million orphaned children and the 11 million who starve to death or die from preventable diseases and the 8.5 million who work as child slaves, prostitutes, or under other horrific conditions and the 2.3 million who live with HIV add up to 164.8 million needy children. And though at first glance that looks like a big number, 2.1 billion people on this earth proclaim to be Christians. The truth is that if only 8 percent of the Christians would care for one more child, there would not be any statistics left.” (emphasis mine)

I will be that 8 percent. Will you?  Some of you already are.  You sponsor children through programs for them to stay with their families but have access to healthcare and education.  You foster children in your homes.  You financial support those adopting or fostering.  You adopt. There are many different ways to help.  I encourage you to find one.  We are not all called to adopt, but as Christians we are all called to do something.

You know, I looked it up in the Bible.  God not only hears the cries of His children, but He responds to them.  Here are just a few that I looked up.  Go read them. Hear God responding.

But Psalm 18:6-19 is currently my favorite.

"In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears."

Then in verses 7-15 it tells of the power and anger of God toward evil and sin that is hurting the psalmist.  It might seem scary but it is a strong and powerfully beautiful picture of the Hero fighting for His beloved.  He hears the cries of His beloved and He is not passive.  He fights for His beloved.  Then verses 16-19 speaks to the rescue,

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted  me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delights in me."

This is also for you.  Do you cry out?  Let it be known that God hears you.  And not only does He hear you but He will fight for you!  He is coming, even now, He is on His way to rescue you.  Hold on, don't give up.

I cry out to God to tell our daughter the same thing.

Don't give up. Keep crying out.  Mama and Papa are coming.  We are coming and God is with you even now in the silence.