Learning to Cry

From my Established in Grace blog post
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Learning to Cry

I want to rush over to China and scoop up my daughter.  Cuddle her to my chest the way I do with my son and hold her, hold her, hold her until she begins to understand that when she cries her needs will be met.  To whisper love to her and show it to her on a daily basis. Who would think that I might have to re-train my daughter that when she cries she will be met with love?

In my previous post I shared about Silent Orphanages.  In short it is where orphanages are silent, even when full of babies because they have learned that no matter how long they cry that their needs will not be met.  So they stop crying out loud.  The needs are still there but there is silence. Awful silence.

I had asked some adoptive parents to share on experiencing silent orphanages and these three responses made me realize that it wasn't just getting my daughter into our home and being there to love her.  I was going to have to re-train her ability to reach out when she is in need....

A few parents shared this:

• I don't recall it was quiet. But I can tell you my toddler was trained & terrified to not call out or cry at night. It took a couple of years before I could persuade her it was okay to get up to potty or holler out for me. It was deeply ingrained in her to keep quiet at night. I get that one toddler crying would wake everybody up & they'd all be crying, but it still makes me horribly sad the toddlers have to go through this hell. This was probably one of the biggest behaviors I deal with.
• It's silent in the rooms because their needs are not met, especially on demand. They know their needs will not be met so they stop asking. We had to teach two (out of 4 adoptions) of our kids to cry. To feel emotions. To understand that it hurts when you ...pinch a finger, skin a knee, etc. Those two still have extremely high pain tolerance levels but they have learned appropriate responses now.
• There is often a big difference between the baby rooms and the preschoolers. With a 10:1 ratio of children to caregiver, a preschooler has more likelihood of getting some attention and will get interaction from his peers as well. The babies...just what you have read here. If they survive to get out of the baby room they can learn to interact, but many still don't learn to seek comfort.

My heart just breaks.  Because the truth is that even though I will know that she is in a safe place, she will not.  And even though I know that Matthew and I will reach out and comfort her and be happy to comfort her, she does will not.  She will remain silent.  She will have to learn to cry.

Children tend to either be silent or crying on the initial "gotcha day" but afterwards some parents will share that after being home for a while then it seems that the child will regress and start to cry and be clingy. In our adoption training that we had to go through they shared that when a child begins to cry with you, that is when you know you have begun to create a connection and that attachment can form.

As a mama it is hard when Edmund cries when he is hurt or sick, but I am so glad that he comes running to me to be cuddled and loved.

Right now I can't be there for my little girl.  But I know that God is.

And God is here for you too.  Have you been bottling up your emotions?  Have you stopped crying out because you have tried and there has been no response?

Isaiah 49:14-16 says:

But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me,
And my Lord has forgotten me.”
 “Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Surely they may forget,
Yet I will not forget you.
 See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;
Your walls are continually before Me.

These verses strike my heart as a mother.  Could I forget my son?  Never. Impossible. But even if that were possible God could not forget you.  He is with you.  He has inscribed you in the palm of His hands.  Permanently linking Himself to you.  Your needs and wants are continually before God.  You might feel forsaken and forgotten but you are not. 

My daughter is not forsaken and forgotten.  Though she may be in silence now I am praying that very soon she will know the safety of a place where she can learn to cry and know she will be met with love.

You are not forsake or forgotten.  Through you may be in silence now I am praying that you will feel God's love.  You will open God's Word and read of His love for you that surpasses any you have ever known.  I pray that you will know the safety of God's arms around you, holding you as you cry.  You are continually before Him and loved beyond comprehension.

Romans 8:32, "He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?"