The Miracle of Standing Together. The Miracle of You

Last night I was at our small group.  This small connection group is a gift.  We study the word of God and connect to God and each other. 

We studied 2 Chronicles 20 last night.  And our leader brought out that often we look at the end result and call that the miracle. And yes, for sure and certain it is a miracle.  But there are two other miracles before the army being destroyed that allowed the miracle of the destroyed army to happen.

1) Jehoshaphat was a leader who stopped everything and prayed and called the people together to fast and pray.

"Alarmed, Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the Lord, and he proclaimed a fast for all Judah."

2) The people of Judah actually stop and pray.  All the people of Judah.

"The people of Judah came together to seek help from the Lord; indeed, they came from every town in Judah to seek him....All the men of Judah, with their wives and children and little ones, stood there before the Lord."

And suddenly I almost couldn't speak. 

Because of YOU. 

I feel like Jehoshaphat.  We are completely powerless to do anything ourselves to bring our daughter home.  And so we have called upon God and called upon others to pray.  Pray for a miracle.

And the miracle is happening.  YOU are this miracle. 

I read the word, "All the men of Judah, with their wives and children and little ones, stood there before the Lord."  And I thought about YOU.  The way you text me verses.  Facebook message us your prayer rooms and Bible verses.  The way your children pray for our daughter.   Men, women, children, and little ones are all praying.

I suddenly could "see" all of you in my heart's mind.  Standing praying for us and I was moved beyond measure. 

I grabbed a pen and wrote you in my Bible.  I marked that verse and saw YOU there.  Saw YOU standing there before the Lord persistently, passionately praying for our little girl--and for her to come home to us.

YOU are the miracle that proceeds the miracle of our little girl coming home. 

But make no mistake YOU are a miracle. 

What We Are Praying For

Every evening Matthew and I pray for our daughter.  We still have not been matched.  The name "Yín" is our nickname for her.  You can read about that here.

I felt like I should share our prayer list here.  I can only imagine and be thankful for all the beautiful prayers you all are praying on our behalf.  And if you have any special things you are praying for her I would love to know about them. 

Do you have special verses you pray for her?  I'd love to write them down. 

Here are our areas of specific prayer and verses that go with them:

• Excellent medical care
• Loving and competent caregivers
• Protection and safety

We pray these verses, claiming especially that as God is her Father He will fight for her care.
Psalm 10:14, Proverbs 23:10, Psalm 146:8-9, Hosea 14:3, Isaiah 9:6, Psalm 25:10, 2 Corinthians 6:18, Deuteronomy 1:33, Psalm 68:19

• Yín's birth parents decision to accept and follow Christ

2 Peter 3:9, John 10:16, Revelation 3:20-21

• For Yín to come home very soon

John 14:13-14, 18, John 15:16, John 16:23-24, Isaiah 37:21, Psalm 68:5-6, James 5:13-18, Romans 8:32, Psalm 20:4-5, Psalm 21:2, Romans 8:26, Matthew 15:28, Luke 18:1, Mark 9:24, Matthew 9:29, Matthew 12:20, Isaiah 43:5, Hebrews 11:1, 6, Luke 18:27, Luke 18:34-43, Matthew 8:2-3

• For Yín to feel God's care and comfort more tangibly than even a human presence

Isaiah 44:24, 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 27:14, Isaiah 40:11, Isaiah 43:1, Isaiah 49:15-16, Isaiah 49:1, Isaiah 45:3, Isaiah 40:29, Isaiah 46:3-4, John 14:16

• God will prepare us for each other, for attachment and bonding

1 Chronicles 4:10, Joel 2:25, James 1:27, Philippians 4:6, 1 Thessalonians 5:17, Isaiah 49:22, Ephesians 6:18

• God to bless and guide the whole adoption process (paperwork, fundraising, etc.)

1 Samuel 1:27, 2 Chronicles 30:27, Matthew 25:35-36, Psalm 37:5, 2 Timothy 3:16, Luke 18:7-8, Genesis 32:26, Luke 1:37

Empty Room

Sunday, November 13 was Orphan Sunday.

The month of November is adoption awareness month.

I told Matthew that I wanted to do something on Orphan Sunday for our girl.  He said we should set up her room.  Her room is currently the guest room.  So on Sunday we cleaned it out and began to set it up.

But as I looked at it I felt like it wasn't the right room.  So just this week we switched Edmund's room and her room.  So now our baby girl will have Edmund's old room and he has the former guestroom.

I love their rooms.  They are perfect.

Except one thing.  Hers is still a guestroom.  It is empty of it's truest purpose.  We are waiting and praying for her.  Praying we get the call any day now that we have been matched.

Thank you for continuing to pray.  Just this week two of my dear friends texted me verses are prayers for our little girl.

I can't wait to have her home.

Beautiful Ruins

 

Recently my friend Tima  and I were exploring some ruins.  We were marveling and awed by the beauty that they were.  Surrounded by the lush green around them and the history they held, it was captivating.

 

 

The ruins weren’t “useful” per say and they weren’t whole, but they held beauty and history all there own.  I think we would have been happy to just stay there the whole time.

I often judge myself by my usefulness.  Can I do such and such well, is this helpful to anyone else.  I evaluate how to spend my time and efforts.  I want to prove my value.  Do you ever find yourself doing this kind of thing?

The world of adoption is messy.  More messy than I ever comprehended in the beginning.  When families look at adoption it really isn’t pretty.  It isn’t a whole child you will adopt.  You will adopt a fragmented and broken child.  But does that make them any less beautiful?

 

At this ruins we had to be careful of where we stepped to preserve the building and keep ourselves safe as well.  But we loved every second there.

God has adopted each one of us.  We are broken, fragmented, jagged people.  We resist His love, even though He has given everything to prove His love.  We hurl insults back at Him and ignore His expressions of love and patience.  Yet, when God looks at us do you think He views us as ruins without worth?  No, I think He loves us.  I think He sees us as beautiful ruins.  And He dwells with us.  Then suddenly we aren’t just ruins, we are a historical landmark of what was and what will be.

Do you feel like you are just a pile of ruins?  Useless and broken?  That’s not how God sees you.

Are you forging into a journey that looks like ruins?  Whether the broken heart of a child or something else?  God doesn’t see it as beyond repair.

He sees beautiful ruins and He won’t give up on you or what He has called you.

Preparing a Place

 

Jesus said to His disciples, “In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.” (John 14:2-3)

Today as I read those words I understand it anew.  The preparation and how it is proof of the return.  Proof of His coming to bring us to where He is.

 

You see, a year ago we had our home study for our adoption.  A home study is a study that is done through multiple interviews about the people and their pasts as well as a physical inspection of the house they live in.  This is to see if they are a safe place for a child as well as have the means available to provide for the new child.

Last year we had just moved into our house and it was a wreck as we had to gut the whole basement and tear out parts of the upstairs.  It was a mess.  And yet we were determined to have it ready for the home study.  Matthew and I worked after he got home until late in the nights working on projects. Family and friends came over and helped us.  We were preparing for our daughter.

 

One of the requirements was that we have a room for our daughter.  And while it is currently serving as our guestroom it is her room.  I have all her things in there.  Little gifts from loved ones.  Clothes I can’t help buying.  A pink stuffed rabbit I purchased many, many years ago for my unknown daughter. A picture from an orphanage in China– the hand-prints, footprints, and wheelchair marks of children waiting for their homes.  Little yellow baby shoes.  It is her room.

 

The preparation of the house, and of preparing her a room is proof of our love for her.  Proof that when the time is right we will go and bring her into our arms and family–that where she is, we will also be.  She won’t be alone again.

My preparation for our daughter makes me hear Jesus’ words in my heart.  Do you hear them in yours?

He says, “I have worked with love and tenderness on your own special place.  Each flower I planted, and wall I crafted was done with you in mind.  Each labor of love was done so that when you come home with Me, you will be able to see that all along I was loving you and waiting for the perfect time to bring you home with me.  You will never be alone again.”

Jesus’ love amazes me.  It makes my heart stutter with unbelief. Yet, as surely as I am preparing a room for our daughter so Jesus is preparing a room for me.  And for you.

Hope Hurts

Matthew and I were talking in the car about my aching heart and waiting to be matched in our adoption, and I said, “I don’t know if I should just mentally prepare that it will be another year, or keep hoping.  Hoping is painful.”

Since that little conversation I have felt God showing me hope in the scriptures.  So I decided to dig deeper.  I did a study on the word hope, and I focused on the Old Testament.

I am addicted to this word and the meanings of it.  For all it represents and for how I am hoping onto hope—how I am bearing hope.

Here is what I found.

Hope is mainly translated in these ways in the Old Testament:

• ·         Expectation
• ·         Refuge
• ·         Trust
• ·         Wait
• ·         Be patient
• ·         Something waited for
• ·         To writhe in pain or fear

That last one especially made my eyes grow big in wonder.  God knows.

Hope is complicated.

It is full of expectation.  The kind that feels like sparkling water inside my chest.  Hope is a refuge when I can’t figure things out.  I hide in the refuge of hope because it cradles my heart’s dreams.

Hope is trust.  Trust in a God I cannot see and the promises I cannot see fulfilled.  Hope is to wait. Oh, the agony of this wait. Yet, if there were no wait, there would be no reason to hope because it would be already here.  So hope is truly something waited for.

But hope is not without pain or fear.  Indeed, hope is to writhe in pain or fear.  It is to tremble and travail.  This wait leaves us wounded and grieved.  Shaken.  Yet in the same painful hope we tarry, stay, waiting, trusting.  Because hope is all these things.  In this pain and fear we learn patience—which comes from this experience we are in—which leads back to hope.

And despite it all, hope does NOT disappoint us because God has pour out His love in our hearts by the Holy Spirit Whom He has given us (Romans 5:1-5). 

And one day, this hope of writing pain and fear will be hope that dances.

The depth of the word HOPE is assuring.  All these feelings I feel with hope are real and validated here.  Hope is complicated.  And hope does hurt

But I hold on. 

Because hope does not disappoint. 

May you too, hold on to hope even though there is pain in this waiting and expectation.  Do not give up.  Trust and wait in the refuge of God and know that your patience is not in vain.  God is pouring His love into your heart through the Holy Spirit during waiting and hoping…and remember God has said that hope does not disappoint.  Hold on to hope.  Hold on to God.  

Miracles Don't Always Look the Same

 

For a while now I have been reading through the Gospels.  I go slowly, one section at a time.  So I am only in Mark (and I get distracted by other studies, so I don't always read the Gospels everyday). It was reading in Mark, however that I suddenly became aware of how different miracles can look.

Here are some examples:

• Jesus took Simon's mother-in-law's hand and the fever left her.
• A man with leprosy comes to Jesus and says, "If you are willing, you can make me clean."  Jesus touches the man, says, "I am willing. Be clean!" And immediately the leprosy is gone.
• Paralytic man is lowered through the room to Jesus.  Jesus says He forgives the man's sins.  Then says to take up his bed and walk, and the man gets up and walks out praising God.
• A demon-possessed man runs at Jesus and Jesus says to "Come out of this man, you evil spirit."  But then the spirit talks back to Jesus and Jesus has a conversation with this evil spirit and then casts the demons out into pigs.
• A woman touches Jesus' garments and is immediately healed.
• Jarius comes to Jesus to heal his daughter, but on the way there the daughter dies, yet Jesus keeps going and raises her up from the dead.
• A Syrophoenician woman begs Jesus to heal her daughter of an evil spirit.  He seems to ignore and push her away, but as she persists, He praises her faith and heals her daughter without even being near the little girl.
• A deaf and mute man is brought to Jesus and Jesus puts his fingers into the man's ears, spits and touches the man's tongue, looks up to heaven and with a deep sign said to him, "Be opened!" The man is healed.
• Blind Bartimaeus refuses to be silenced and calls out continuously for Jesus.  When Jesus asks, "What do you want me to do for you?" Bartimaeus says, "Rabbi, I want to see."  "Go," Jesus says, "your faith has healed you."  And immediately Bartimaeus can see.

What is it about Jesus or the people that makes each miracle so different?

And what makes some miracles immediate and others have a process, a pleading, a waiting, a disappointment...before the miracle.

I've been praying for a miracle for our daughter to come home to us soon.  I still pray that daily.  And I wonder, if like Jarius, Jesus is coming with a miracle unlike I ever imagined, even though it seems like hope is gone.

I wonder if like the deaf and mute man Jesus is piecing the miracle together, and as I wait expectantly He smiles at the joy about to be seen and heard.

I wonder if like the Syrophoenician woman Jesus is testing my faith and persistence and is waiting just a little longer before announcing with joy, "You have great faith!"

I don't know what the miracle of our daughter will look like.  I don't know what amazing story God is writing and about the reveal.  But I do know that like Jarius I won't stop traveling with Jesus.

Like Bartimeaus I won't stop calling out to Jesus to hear my case.

Like the man with leprosy I will ask for what seems like an impossible request.

Like the woman bleeding for twelve years I won't stop trying to reach out and touch Jesus.

Like the paralytic I will have friends carry me to Jesus when I cannot do it on my own.

And like the Syrophoenician woman, I will not stop seeking God for my daughter.

What miracle are you praying for?  Search the scriptures and discover that miracles come in many different ways.  Some are immediate, some are delayed.  But all are for God's glory and our joy.
I wait expectantly in faith for God's glory to be revealed in the adoption of our daughter.

When Your Hope is Gone

Music is a way that God often speaks to my heart and soul.  There is a song by Bebo Norman called, Borrow Mine.
The chorus goes this way:

You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
You can borrow mine
When you can't go on
Cause the world will not defeat you
When we're side by side
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine

This is what my friends have been doing for me.  They have given me hope and strengthened my faith.  They have texted, prayed, sent messages, and gifts that speak to my heart on days where I am just crying out to God in the pain of waiting to be matched with our daughter.
Less than a week after we had received the news that we wouldn't get the file of a little girl we had been praying for I received this package in the mail from my friend Brooke.

 

 

I wept into this gift.  This tangible reminder of her love, of our commitment to pray, and to know that some day I will wrap her up in this blanket of prayer.

You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone

Another time my friend, Jenn sent me this picture:













This mirror is her prayer mirror and at the top are three names.  Thomas & Kate are her beautiful children, and right next to them is our Yín.  (The endearment we have for our daughter. We have not been matched with a child, we just use this endearment for her so she has a name.)  There have been many, many times where I have been struggling and God has impressed Jenn's heart to reach out in a message or prayer to me and uplift me.

You can borrow mine
When you can't go on

Last Friday another friend, Jennefer, sent me this picture.

It is her "war room" where she does her best praying.  You see that red envelope standing out in the center?  That was from our red envelope fundraiser for Yín.  Jennefer wrote me and said: Just in case you ever feel discouraged that your sweet Yín isn't with you yet and it seems like you will be waiting forever...just know I am waiting with you guys and praying. This is my "war room" where I do my best praying. Right in the middle is my red envelope and red thread and it reminds me of you guys and Yín and I am praying for her safety and her soon home coming too. Hang in there "those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength..."

Cause the world will not defeat you
When we're side by side

This past Sabbath was a very, very hard day.  It marked one year since we sent in our application to our adoption agency.  We've been waiting a year.  Today marks a year since they approved our application.  A year is a long time.  And my arms feel heavy in their emptiness.
But God knew that was coming and set up an event and friends who would hold me up.
My friend Charity felt impressed to pray about a certain concert and woman's ministry event.  She felt impressed to ask me to go with her.  Another friend, Jackie, posted on Facebook that she was going and asked if anyone was interested.  I said, "Maybe."  Then Charity texted me and invited me to go with her.  In the end Charity, Jackie, Krystal, and I all decided to meet up and go.

That night ministered to my soul and these woman were such a blessing to be with.  I praise God for how He impressed Charity to ask me to go and how God never forgets a date.  He didn't forget that it was a year and planned this, I believe, for my heart.

When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine

Thank you.  Thank you to all of you who have let me borrow your faith on this long hard journey.  Some of you I have never met in real life, yet you are some of the ones who carry me in your prayer the most closely.  We are blessed beyond measure for you.
I pray that I can be what these prayer warriors have been for me to others.
And I want to encourage you.  You never know how you are strengthening those around you or how you are a profound answer to the prayers of others.
These women didn't know the deep pain I was feeling on the particular days they reached out, but God did and He used them to minister His love.

Answered and Unanswered Prayers

The day we knew we weren't going to get the file of the little girl we had been waiting for Matthew misplaced his wedding ring.  We looked all over but couldn't find it.  I stopped to pray.  And shortly after I found the ring!
I wanted to share with Edmund because I want to teach him about God's love and care.  I told Edmund how we had been looking for Papa's ring and that Mama prayed to God to find it and He helped me find it!
Suddenly I couldn't talk very well.  I felt chocked up.  And I said, "You know Edmund, God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want.  But He loves us.  And sometimes I think He answers the small prayer requests so that we have faith to keep trusting Him and keep praying to Him in the bigger ones, or the ones that seem like they are unanswered."
Early that month Matthew had asked me,

"Why do you think God answers prayers about lost keys and such but sometimes says no to ones that we know He would want to say yes to?"

I didn't have an answer then.  But now maybe I do in part.

Last November I met a beautiful lady, Rachel.  She was battling an aggressive form of cancer.  I prayed for her and fought as a prayer warrior on her behalf.  Last month her earthly battle ended.  She now rests in Jesus.  She was one of those people who you could feel the peace and presence of Jesus in.  She leaves behind three little girls and a loving husband.  And my heart screams, "Why!?"  Why didn't God answer this prayer to heal her?

A while back we lost a white truck and brown trailer that Edmund loves and I was praying to find it and I did! When I gave it to Edmund I told him that I had prayed and Jesus helped me find them. We prayed together to thank Jesus.

We had again lost this pair for about a week, and he kept asking and asking for it so I told him I had looked but couldn't find it. His response? A smile and "Jesus." So we knelt and prayed. And then we looked. All over the house. As we did I kept praying. I know it is just a toy but it is a faith moment in the making. Then I moved something and heard what I suspected was trucks. And there they were! I brought them out to Edmund and said, "We prayed for Jesus to help find your white truck and brown trailer and do you think He helped us?" Edmund was still and looking at my cupped hands. I opened them and his smile lit the room! He ran toward me and took his toys and we gathered to pray and thank Jesus!
















Does the pain still hurt when the answer isn't what we prayed for?  Yes.  Very much yes.
But when I remember all the answered prayers to the small, "unimportant" things then I can remember that God is love and He is working for us, not against us.  These little answers are reminders that He is working powerfully for His children.

This Is Not What I Wanted To Write

From my Established in Grace blog post
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I've been praying a prayer since January. One that I knew that God could answer if He chose to.  So I prayed, "Lord, if you are willing bring her file to us."

I saw her picture back in January and have been waiting for her file to come to our agency.  Praying that other people ahead of us would be matched so that when her file came, that we would be able to review her file and be able to be matched with her.  I've called about once a month since January and last Monday when I called they had her file.  I send text messages and emails and messages out to our prayer warriors.  Asking them to pray for us to receive her file.

I was even thinking of this blog. And what I would write when God brought her file to us.  I could see the story He was writing and could see how His glory would be revealed in this.

On Thursday Matthew called to see how many people were in front of us to review her file.  (We were anxiously impatient!)  The lady he spoke to said that someone was reviewing her file very seriously and that still about half-a dozen more were in front of us.  Our hearts tried to absorb the shock but I wouldn't give up praying.  After all--God is the God of impossible things, isn't He?  Again, I reached out to our prayer warriors.  And they continued to rally around us and this precious little girl.

Friday, I got a voice message.  I couldn't believe I hadn't heard my phone.  I'd had it glued to me since Monday, praying for a call.  The kind lady's voicemail said that the little girl had been matched with a family.

It was a little like a void of time and sound and space.  Very briefly.  I took a deep breath and told Matthew, "They called.  She was matched."

We prayed, thanking God for blessing and guiding us on this process. Knowing and believing that He was sovereign and He gave us a measure of His peace in that moment that was very difficult.  It might seem impossible to you to love a little child you have never met and know virtually nothing about.  But she had grown in our hearts and we prayed for her dearly.

Again I reached out to our prayer warriors.   I told them that she had been matched.  You know who you are.  Your prayers and love and support are incredible.  I know that God's peace in that moment was because of you and your prayers.  The main peace remained but there were times I would just have that void again.  That space.  It wasn't really a question or doubt but just void.

In reaching out to my prayer warriors I had reached out to another adoptive mama.  And she wrote me these words:

"It is really hard. I understand that. Praying for more peace and absolute trust that before the foundations of the earth He knew who would be in your family...before we were matched with [our daughter] we were matched with a little boy.  We carried his picture around for several weeks before learning that we would not be able to proceed.  There was one night in particular that I couldn't sleep.  I was up in the night, praying for this boy.  It hurt and was so confusing when we lost his referral.  But I am confident God has purpose. I think [he] needed a prayer warrior that night and God chose me. It's a hard, long, twisting, turning, confusing road.  But God has called you to it and He is faithful. Love you friend."

When I read those words peace flooded my soul.  All my prayers for this little girl were for her.  I could love her and pray for her because God had placed her on our hearts.  I could pray for her health, emotions, etc. for months because God had shown her to us back in January.  And I could ask others to pray for her and we could all be her prayer warriors.  And now she has a family.  One that I pray will share with her the love of Jesus so that one day in heaven we can all gather together and I can tell her how I prayed for her and how God answered my prayers in a way I didn't know was the answer.

God didn't bring her to us without a purpose  We were to pray and be her prayer warriors until she could be matched with her forever family.  And we did pray, fervently, and eagerly.  And He was faithful.

And this void I have.  It is growing, I think.  It's the void for our daughter.

Little Girl, I don't know who you are, but God does and He is drawing us together in His perfect timing.  I am praying that it is soon.  Very soon.

Collecting Sea Shells for My Daughter

This is from my Established in Grace blog post

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The sand is warm beneath my feet as we walked toward the ocean’s edge. The water crashing and rushing up the shore toward us. I feel the happiness of my son, Edmund, as he laughs at the waves and ocean that he’s been to eager to see. I mention to my mother-in-law, “Next year maybe we will have two children!” I think of our daughter and achingly miss her, even though I’ve never met her or seen her face. So I decide to collect sea shells for her each day while on vacation. Special ones that make me think of her.

As I scan the beach, looking through the waves and buried in the sand I know why I am doing this. It isn’t just so that she can enjoy it once she is home (although that is true) it is because I want to do something for her to let her know that I miss her, love her, and am thinking and praying for her even before she comes to us. Jesus whispers to my heart, It’s like Me.

  I’m preparing a house for you. It’s not because I don’t have other things to do. It is because I am so in love with you, so filled with love for you, that I am achingly eager to do something to show you how much I love you, miss you, and can’t wait for you to be here with Me. And I’m floored. Jesus loves me like that? He’s antsy-eager to have me with Him, so much that He’s building me a house? He’s not just building it to give me somewhere to stay when I get to heaven, but He’s building it to show His love?

Adoption is truly making me hear God in a new way. Things, that maybe I always have known, but now are so much more real to my heart.

So now, as I collect sea shells for my little girl, I am reminded of Jesus’ love for me. For you. For all of us. He’s crazy about you. Can’t wait to return to bring you home so He’s building you a home in heaven, one He knows you will love, and as He builds each piece, His heart is pouring out in love at each step. A love so deep we can’t imagine it but when we see our homes He has built we will get a new glimpse of it.

Praying Through New York City

From my Established in Grace blog post
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This Monday was Matthew and my 8 year anniversary. Matthew loves architecture and so we decided to spend the day walking around and seeing specific tall buildings that have architecture significance (don't ask me what the significance was, he picked them and we walked to them).  

 Traffic was pretty horrible going in and out (on the way out it took us 2 hours to go about 2 miles). But thankfully we'd brought a book on prayer we had been reading and spent our time reading and praying. In conjunction with our prayer book we decided to pray for our daughter to come home soon as we walked through New York City.  We picked 8 specific buildings we wanted to see and knew we'd see others as well as we walked to those. We prayed specifically for our daughter to come home soon at each of the eight buildings. 

   I'm an introvert and I don't like to draw attention to myself but to pray for my daughter was important. So we'd stop by or in these buildings and pray. Right there with crowds bustling around us. We prayed and God listened. I know He did. I could feel that joy and presence. His happiness in our prayers.  

   Reading our prayer book and praying through New York City enriched our anniversary on a deep level. To pray so earnestly and lovingly together with Matthew for our daughter created a deeper bond between us. I cannot tell you the peace I felt because of praying all throughout our anniversary together. Sometimes I want to do something "for myself." But what I have found is that when I make a purposeful effort to center the activity around God or make Him an intricate part, that it becomes much more than I could have anticipated. Those memories are the ones I treasure the most. I already feel that this anniversary will be a special one to remember and I am eager to see what God has done and will do in answer to those prayers for our daughter. I challenge you to think of how to creatively include God in a special activity or just a daily activity. I think you will find that it will do something incredible. It may not be what you think "incredible" will be, but it might be peace or joy or that calm glow in your spirit that says, Emmanuel: God with us. 
 

Trust Without Borders

From my Established in Grace blog post
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The song is nine minutes long. The longest part of the song says these words over and over and over again.

Six times:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
 And my faith will be made stronger
 In the presence of my Savior

This describes what I have been learning through our adoption. This is a journey, and I know that I am only at the beginning of this journey, but it is one that constantly calling on me to trust God without borders.

These lyrics really speak to my heart. Trust is hard. And to trust without borders is…unfathomable. I have trust issues. I guard my heart and who I am because my trust has been broken more times than I wanted and I created a border to keep myself from being hurt. But God is asking me to trust without borders.

 

Adoption is painful on many levels — levels I am not even aware of yet. But God is asking me to trust without borders. To walk upon the waters wherever He would call me. The crazy thing about trusting without borders is that amazing, miraculous, beautiful things can happen. Like adoption. Like_________ You fill in the blank. Adoption is messy and painful and beautiful beyond words. I imagine that there are things in your life that are scary and terrifying and yet beautiful and breathtaking. Is God calling you to walk upon the waters wherever He may call you?

In this walking on water, this deep ocean of trust and fear my faith is being made strong in the presence of my Savior. I can feel my faith being stretched and grown. It isn’t painless to be certain, but what growth is painless? Yet, I want to have faith that walks on water as I am in the presence of Jesus. I don’t know what God is calling you to do as He calls you to trust Him without borders but it doesn’t mean that it will be easy but He does promise His presence.

The song, Oceans by Hillsong United ends this way:

My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

May your soul rest in Jesus’ embrace. You are His and He is yours. Trust without borders and go wherever He may lead you. Your faith will be made stronger in the presence of the One who loves you and will lead you to walk upon the waters.

I am resting in Jesus’ embrace through our adoption. I pray you will rest in His embrace in whatever He made lead you to.

Relentless Warrior

From my blog on Established in Grace
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I was praying for my daughter and saw the verse Matthew 15:28 on my list of verses to pray for her.  So I turned to it and read,

Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted."  And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

Then I went back and re-read the story, verses 21-28 and I felt as if Jesus was opening my eyes anew to something I already understood and had read many many times.

This Canaanite woman is asking for something that Jesus will grant her.  He wants to grant her the request she is making but He delays her request.  Making her ask again and again.

Did He deny her request to test her faith?  To grow her?  Was it for the disciples?  Was it to grow them?  Whatever the reason Jesus denies and puts her off.  But she keeps asking.  It's her child, her daughter.  She won't give up even if it means to humble herself over and over again and relentlessly ask.

I imagine Jesus smiling when He answers her, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted!"  Could she feel His heart of love even though it seemed He was denying her request to heal her daughter?

I don't pretend to know the ways of God, or how prayer works, but as I read this story and prayed for my daughter I felt God move on my heart.

Keep praying.  The answer might feel like a "no" but keep asking.  Don't give up.  Pray relentlessly even in the face of obstacles and doubt. I have given you this burden of prayer, this love to ache and pray for her, don't stop praying.  

Being a warrior doesn't mean that things come easily.  It means that we fight for them.  As Christians we fight spiritual battles. We fight in prayer.  Praying for our daughter is a joy and sorrow. Some of you understand that kind of prayer.  Some days I feel parched and empty.  Other days full of hope and expectation.  But even on the days where I feel weak to pray I won't give up.  I clutch Jesus' feet and pray our daughter.

Have you felt impressed to pray for someone or something?  Have you felt you're praying on repeat without any movement?  Don't give up.  I can't explain why there is this silence or seeming delay but I do know that there is a loving God who wants to give you all good things.  Keep praying.  Ask for clarity in your prayers and search the Bible, but don't give up praying.  You never know when or how He will answer.

Silent and Unknown Warrior

From my blog post on Established in Grace
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Over Mother's Day weekend I thought about her.

Not my daughter but her birth mother.  My heart skitters and slides over that messy and beautifully painful truth.

I don't have our girl home yet. I don't have her picture or her beautiful Chinese name to look at and memorize, but already the magnitude, tragedy, depth, and privilege begin to expand and grow in my soul.

And this woman that I don't know is a warrior.  I don't know her story and I cannot claim any knowledge about her and our shared daughter.  But this woman chose to grow our daughter in her womb.  And give her life.  It is not an easy choice.  But she did it.  This warrior woman gave our daughter life and gave her to us.

In response to this warrior woman I will be a warrior to fight for her spiritual life.

So I fight in prayer for our daughter's birth parents. Praying for God to work in their hearts and lives and have them accept Jesus as their personal Savior, so that one day we can all be together in heaven and love on our girl as a family.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."  2 Peter 3:9 (emphasis mine)

Prayers are often silent and unknown except to the person who is praying.  But prayer is powerful.  Here at Established in Grace we want to pray for you. To be silent warrior women for you as we pray for the needs of your heart.  We may not know you personally but we can join together in prayer to the One who knows and loves you best.

I also invite you to become the unknown and silent warriors for someone.  Who are you fighting for?  Who do you need to be wrestling in prayer for?  Be a warrior and fight for the eternal lives of those God is placing upon your heart.

I think of Jacob's reply after wrestling with God,

"I will not let you go unless you bless me." Genesis 32:26

Don't give up. Don't let go of God as you fight for those He has laid on your heart.  And one day I look forward to being gathered together in heaven and seeing and hearing all the ways God has answered our prayers.

Learning to Cry

From my Established in Grace blog post
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Learning to Cry

I want to rush over to China and scoop up my daughter.  Cuddle her to my chest the way I do with my son and hold her, hold her, hold her until she begins to understand that when she cries her needs will be met.  To whisper love to her and show it to her on a daily basis. Who would think that I might have to re-train my daughter that when she cries she will be met with love?

In my previous post I shared about Silent Orphanages.  In short it is where orphanages are silent, even when full of babies because they have learned that no matter how long they cry that their needs will not be met.  So they stop crying out loud.  The needs are still there but there is silence. Awful silence.

I had asked some adoptive parents to share on experiencing silent orphanages and these three responses made me realize that it wasn't just getting my daughter into our home and being there to love her.  I was going to have to re-train her ability to reach out when she is in need....

A few parents shared this:

• I don't recall it was quiet. But I can tell you my toddler was trained & terrified to not call out or cry at night. It took a couple of years before I could persuade her it was okay to get up to potty or holler out for me. It was deeply ingrained in her to keep quiet at night. I get that one toddler crying would wake everybody up & they'd all be crying, but it still makes me horribly sad the toddlers have to go through this hell. This was probably one of the biggest behaviors I deal with.
• It's silent in the rooms because their needs are not met, especially on demand. They know their needs will not be met so they stop asking. We had to teach two (out of 4 adoptions) of our kids to cry. To feel emotions. To understand that it hurts when you ...pinch a finger, skin a knee, etc. Those two still have extremely high pain tolerance levels but they have learned appropriate responses now.
• There is often a big difference between the baby rooms and the preschoolers. With a 10:1 ratio of children to caregiver, a preschooler has more likelihood of getting some attention and will get interaction from his peers as well. The babies...just what you have read here. If they survive to get out of the baby room they can learn to interact, but many still don't learn to seek comfort.

My heart just breaks.  Because the truth is that even though I will know that she is in a safe place, she will not.  And even though I know that Matthew and I will reach out and comfort her and be happy to comfort her, she does will not.  She will remain silent.  She will have to learn to cry.

Children tend to either be silent or crying on the initial "gotcha day" but afterwards some parents will share that after being home for a while then it seems that the child will regress and start to cry and be clingy. In our adoption training that we had to go through they shared that when a child begins to cry with you, that is when you know you have begun to create a connection and that attachment can form.

As a mama it is hard when Edmund cries when he is hurt or sick, but I am so glad that he comes running to me to be cuddled and loved.

Right now I can't be there for my little girl.  But I know that God is.

And God is here for you too.  Have you been bottling up your emotions?  Have you stopped crying out because you have tried and there has been no response?

Isaiah 49:14-16 says:

But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me,
And my Lord has forgotten me.”
 “Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Surely they may forget,
Yet I will not forget you.
 See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;
Your walls are continually before Me.

These verses strike my heart as a mother.  Could I forget my son?  Never. Impossible. But even if that were possible God could not forget you.  He is with you.  He has inscribed you in the palm of His hands.  Permanently linking Himself to you.  Your needs and wants are continually before God.  You might feel forsaken and forgotten but you are not. 

My daughter is not forsaken and forgotten.  Though she may be in silence now I am praying that very soon she will know the safety of a place where she can learn to cry and know she will be met with love.

You are not forsake or forgotten.  Through you may be in silence now I am praying that you will feel God's love.  You will open God's Word and read of His love for you that surpasses any you have ever known.  I pray that you will know the safety of God's arms around you, holding you as you cry.  You are continually before Him and loved beyond comprehension.

Romans 8:32, "He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?"

Silent Orphanages

From my Established in Grace blog post.
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This is a heavy post for me.  It is heavy because of the reality of it.  Because of the silent suffering that is going on for more children than we care to admit.  And this is just one area of suffering for children.  There are so many other areas it makes me sick.  Physically sick and emotionally drained.

And it can all seem so far away and so far removed.  Until it is your child.  Your daughter.  Our little girl.

Silence comes to a baby no by natural means.  Babies cry.  They cry to express their needs.  And a loving adult hears those cries and comes to them.  In an orphanage this is not always the case. Babies are overwhelmingly outnumbering their caregivers. So the children cry. Because that's what babies do.  But eventually they learn that when they cry, no one will meet their needs.  So they stop crying.  There is silence.  Roaring, deafening silence.

I asked some of the members of an adoption group I am a part of to give me some first hand experiences of this.  Here is some of what they shared:

• I have walked into one in Brazil and if I hadn't seen the babies all laying in cribs I would have assumed it was an empty room of cribs. I had to look at each baby several times to believe that most weren't even asleep.
• Our son's orphanage was quiet. I told my husband the silence in that room was the loudest sound I've ever heard.
• It is so hard to walk into an orphanage where there are hundreds of children and hear NOTHING!
• I have a video from my daughters orphanage...they showed the room, and you never would have thought there were babies in the cribs until they zoomed in.
• When we visited our second daughter's orphanage you could hear a pin drop. In the first room we went into it was silent except for the cries of a little boy who had just been abandoned and admitted to the [orphanage] who had yet to learn that no one would respond to his cries...I about lost it.

Picture from: www.growingyourbaby.com/2014/02/03/abandoned-babies-of-china-from-girls-to-sick-and-disabled/

• We adopted from Russia and the loudest sound I've I ever heard is the clock tick for so, so long while waiting to meet our daughter. There were 100 babies ages 0-3 in he orphanage and all I heard was the clock tick and an occasional pot and pan bang around from those preparing food.
• All the videos we got of our daughter it was completely silent in there. None of them talking or crying. The worst sound I've ever heard.
• This is my experience five times over. There was even minimal noise from the preschoolers (unprompted noise, I mean). ...In the orphanages it was almost totally silent.
• Only heard one baby cry while I was visiting my son's orphanage. That baby had been there less than a week. The others... some had ants crawling through their blankets (my son came covered in ant bites) and didn't make a peep. Saw one baby treated very roughly and didn't make a peep either. I could have so much more to say...
• I went to China this past summer and saw things in the "good" orphanages that I wish I could un-see. It was one of the most heart changing experiences of my life. Knowing those particular children are still there, in the exact same positions, make me question the actual future of humanity.

Not all reports were bad. Two parents shared that they saw lively and humane orphanages with nannies who would hold the baby when they were crying.  But this is the exception, sadly, not the norm.

The more I read and asked questions about silent orphanages the more my heart cried out against it.  Each child is precious. Deserving of love. I want to fight this silence with love.  Love that teaches us each child that when they cry they will be heard.  In the book Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis she shares this:

“The truth is that the 143 million orphaned children and the 11 million who starve to death or die from preventable diseases and the 8.5 million who work as child slaves, prostitutes, or under other horrific conditions and the 2.3 million who live with HIV add up to 164.8 million needy children. And though at first glance that looks like a big number, 2.1 billion people on this earth proclaim to be Christians. The truth is that if only 8 percent of the Christians would care for one more child, there would not be any statistics left.” (emphasis mine)

I will be that 8 percent. Will you?  Some of you already are.  You sponsor children through programs for them to stay with their families but have access to healthcare and education.  You foster children in your homes.  You financial support those adopting or fostering.  You adopt. There are many different ways to help.  I encourage you to find one.  We are not all called to adopt, but as Christians we are all called to do something.

You know, I looked it up in the Bible.  God not only hears the cries of His children, but He responds to them.  Here are just a few that I looked up.  Go read them. Hear God responding.

But Psalm 18:6-19 is currently my favorite.

"In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears."

Then in verses 7-15 it tells of the power and anger of God toward evil and sin that is hurting the psalmist.  It might seem scary but it is a strong and powerfully beautiful picture of the Hero fighting for His beloved.  He hears the cries of His beloved and He is not passive.  He fights for His beloved.  Then verses 16-19 speaks to the rescue,

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted  me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delights in me."

This is also for you.  Do you cry out?  Let it be known that God hears you.  And not only does He hear you but He will fight for you!  He is coming, even now, He is on His way to rescue you.  Hold on, don't give up.

I cry out to God to tell our daughter the same thing.

Don't give up. Keep crying out.  Mama and Papa are coming.  We are coming and God is with you even now in the silence.