Can I be honest?

This week has been a rollercoaster for me emotionally.

Monday was incredible!  We got our 1-800A approval.  The last big piece to our dossier!

 Tuesday morning I read during morning worship “Like the endless movement of stars and planets, God’s plans are not rushed or delayed.” (Messiah p. 21)  I felt God calling me to peace and joy during this journey of so much waiting.

Tuesday I wrote a blog for Established in Grace that would go live Thursday about what God has shared with me Tuesday about waiting.

Wednesday I saw a beautiful little girl on Show Hope's website, and inquired to know more about her with our agency.  She will most likely be matched with someone who has been waiting much longer than we have.  That made me wonder how long we'd have to wait to be matched.  The average time is 18-24 months.

Thursday I called our agency to find out more about our timeline.  The lady I spoke to went over our medical checklist and said that someone else who had a similar checklist had waited 28 months from start to being matched.  Which means it was probably about 32 months until they went and got their child.

Thirty-two months.  32 months.  Thirty-two months.

That is about 6 months longer than the longest I was hoping for.  It might sound silly to you, but I felt crushed.  Six months isn't forever, but when we're only about 5 months into this process it feels like forever.  I want to be with her now.

Then we went and got all of our paperwork, that wasn't already notorized, notorized.

Even though getting all that notorized is a big step (we only have certification and authentication left before mailing it to our agency to go to China!) I felt sad.  As I thought about the blog that went live I also felt like a fraud.  Who was I to write positive things about trusting God and waiting in peace and joy when I felt so sad?  This longing is something I've never experienced before.

Then after getting the papers notorized we grabbed Taco Bell and ran home to meet my Aunt Shari who had given us a Christmas gift of going to Winter Jam and babysitting Edmund.

We were sitting in our seats and Matthew asked me how I felt.  I said sad.  I was thinking about our girl and how long it would be until I could hold her.  To make matters worse the sponsor of the event was Holt International.  So there were videos and speakers who shared  moving stories about children who weren't wanted and needed to be adopted.  All I could think was, I am trying to adopt but it's so hard, complicated, and so long.  So very long.

After the intermission we moved to the front to hear and sing with Crowder.  I love David Crowder.  When you go to a concert the words are on the screen and it is a big praise session to God.  So one of the songs started.  It is called, "I Am."

Here are the beginning of the lyrics:

"There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place where we can't' find peace
There's no end to amazing grace

Take me in with Your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go
Never leave my side

I am
Holding on to you
I am
Holding on to you
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on
I am"

I didn't really remember the first verse, but when it came to the chorus I closed my eyes and sang to Jesus. I wanted Him to hold me and was thanking Him for holding me.  I put one of my hands to my heart and my fingers touched my necklace. And my fingers curled around it instinctively.

My cousin Brianna gave me this beautiful necklace for Christmas.  I've been wearing it basically non-stop since then.  I like tangible things to hold on to, to represent the intangible.  So when I wear it and feel it I think of our daughter and pray for her.

So in that moment.  The chorus is starting.

Thousands are singing, "I am...Holding on to you..."

My hand touches my heart to communicate to God my heart's longing and my hand touches the precious reminder of my daughter.  

Thousands continue to sing, "I am....Holding on to you...In the middle of the storm....I am holding on...I am!"

And inside God spoke, outside of me in the song God spoke. These words you are singing. They are for her.  For your little girl. I AM holding on to her.  In whatever storms she goes through.  However long it takes to bring her to you.  I AM holding on to her.  I always have, I AM, and I always will be holding on to her.

It's just like that -- I was alone in that moment. With God speaking to me through song.

I AM
Holding on to her
I AM
Holding on to her
In the middle of her storms
I AM holding on
I AM

At the right time, at exactly the right time, God will bring us together. And He has been, is, and will always be holding on to her.

And to me.

My heart still grieve the time we will be apart.  But I AM is holding on to her and I just keep sing those words in my heart and praying for her to come home soon.



Thank you Aunt Shari for your gift that went beyond just a concert.  Thank you Brianna for a gift that goes beyond just a symbol.  God used your gifts to speak peace to me this week during a very hard time.